Midnight Stargazing
by MehScrewIt
Summary: Who's up for flying?
1. Do you wanna go flying?

**Do you wanna go flying?**

_Knock knock. _Bony fists rapped against the window.

The girl with the long black hair and the dark, dark eyes turned from her desk to face the sharply dressed skeleton lounging on the sill. Her lips twitched and she found herself grinning in a way she was sure made her look like a maniac. She waved.

In return the skeleton's skull- which had a hat perched rakishly on top- tilted at an angle which suggested a smile.

She crossed the room in three broad steps and heaved the window open.

The skeleton's jawbone moved up and down. "Beautiful night tonight," Skulduggery remarked dryly.

It was true; the sky was at that stage in the night when it was all blues, blacks and purples- the stars were out, shining quietly over the inhabitants of Haggard.

Valkyrie raised an eyebrow. "Can I help you, Skul?"

"Don't call me Skul," Skulduggery muttered immediately.

Valkyrie's lips twitched. "What do you want? Is there something we need to punch?" Valkyrie looked positively hopeful at the prospect. "Go on, tell me there's something we need to punch. I need to punch something."

"Valkyrie," he said. "There's something we need to punch."

"Really?" She looked dazedly happy.

"No."

She scowled. "I hate you."

"I know."

She folded her arms in front of her chest and said very slowly, in a menacing voice, "Skul, you have exactly five seconds to tell me why you're here, starting now. _Five._"

"What does it take to please kids these days?" He raised his skull to the heavens.

"_Four."_

"I mean- can't a walking talking skeleton fly up to his partner's room in the middle of the night for a chat?"

"_Three._ Skulduggery, I swear..."

"Horrible monsters are attacking Dublin!"

Valkyrie blinked, then narrowed her eyes. "_Two_."

"Fine, fine." He held his gloved hands up in surrender. "I just wanted to know if you would consider coming flying." He paused. "-with me."

She narrowed her eyes at him for one long hard moment.

"I've got sandwiches," he added.

"Deal."


	2. JJ Pearl

**Disclaimer: All the characters belong to Derek Landy**

* * *

**J. J. Pearl**

Jasper Jacob Pearl started from his dreams in the middle of the night. He lay tangled in his sheets staring up at his ridged ceiling, panting. He couldn't remember what he'd been dreaming.

His bedroom floor was bathed in moonlight that flooded through the windows, and for some vague reason he could hardly remember, he swung his legs out of bed and half stumbled towards the sill. He pushed his window open and leaned out.

Half-lidded eyes blinked groggily, and a sleep addled-brain tried to comprehend what the eyes were seeing.

_Was that...? _Yes, yes it was. Holy Christ on a bicycle! There was a skeleton, yes, a skeleton in a suit holding onto a girl, and they were _flying. _

They weren't flying in the way that Superman did, they were just- just- _flying._

Jasper was losing it, he was sure.

Skeletons... Holding pretty girls... Flying?

He brought the heel of his palm up to meet his face.

'Snap out of it,' he thought.

He was seeing things, of course he was seeing things. He mentally shook himself, then frowned.

He stopped moving suddenly.

'What if- what if this was all a dream?' It seemed plausible to him, in fact it seemed very plausible.

A slow sly smirk stretched across his face.

If this was just a dream, and he had caught it being all dream-like and stuff, was he now in a lucid dream? Yes, yes he was, which meant he could do whatever he wanted.

His smirk turned into a full-on grin.

He put his foot on the window-sill and braced himself against the wall.

This was all a dream, all in his head, and now _he _was the master, he could do whatever, go wherever, and he decided he should be able to fly too.

'After all,' he thought, 'isn't flying just the art of falling, then missing the ground?'

He turned his head in the direction of his bedroom door; a small smile tugged at his lips. He gave a breathy laugh.

'Here goes,' he thought.

Jasper Jacob Pearl leaped from his second-storey bedroom window into the night.

* * *

**AN: **It wasn't a dream.

Poor J.J, he's going to have more than just a shattered kneecap this time.


	3. In the Air

**Disclaimer: Everything but the plot is Derek Landy's. La di da di da.**

**Tanithsaurus Rex: Thank you! You made my day. :D**

* * *

**In the Air**

Valkyrie Cain had a skeletal arm wrapped around her waist, her head was tipped back and she was revelling in the feeling of the wind rushing through her hair.

She loved the feeling of flying, she loved the way she felt so free; she felt that she could distance herself from the world, and she could.

She looked down beneath her feet. The lights of Dublin city raced past, the cars and all the people looked so small and insignificant to her.

Valkyrie smiled.

"Valkyrie!" Skulduggery yelled over the wind.

"What?" she yelled back.

"Your hair's in my mouth, and I can't see because it's in my eye socket too!" He sounded disgruntled.

She had to laugh. "Sorry, Skul!" she yelled through her own hair in her mouth. She reached up and attempted to smooth the offending flyaways, or at least get it out of Skulduggery's eye socket.

"Where are we going?" she hollered.

"You'll see," Skulduggery's velvet voice sounded right next to her ear.

Valkyrie yelped and almost jumped out of his arms, managing to remember that she really did not want to be falling out of the sky tonight. She doubted Valkyrie-on-the-floor cakes tasted that great.

She turned her head towards Skulduggery.

His skull was tilted at an awfully smug angle.

"Moron," she muttered.


	4. I have loved the stars too fondly

**Disclaimer: Definitely not mine.**

* * *

**I have loved the stars too fondly**

Skulduggery Pleasant gently set Valkyrie down in a field.

It was a pretty field, all things considered, all soft grass under her feet, and not a single vegetable in sight.

"Skulduggery?"

"Mm?"

"Why are we here?"

Skulduggery Pleasant tilted his head at her, then pointed up.

"What could possibly be- Woah..."

"It's beautiful, isn't it?"

And it was, it was very beautiful, for Valkyrie was looking at the stars unobscured by the city lights. There were billions of them, all giving off an individual glow, some brighter than others. It was as if a huge hand had taken diamond dust and had thrown it up in the air, such were the swirls and random patterns of the stars. They were so vivid, so _there_, that Valkyrie felt that she could just reach up and touch one.

"It's beautiful," she breathed.

"It really is." She could hear the smile in his voice.

She crossed her legs and sank down to the floor, peering up at him. "You decided to take me stargazing, Mr Pleasant?"

"Excellent deduction, Miss Cain." The smile was still there.

"And I suppose you brought a telescope too?"

"What? Oh, yes." Skulduggery unbuttoned his shirt and reached into his ribcage- handy place that- bringing out a telescope. "Just in case."

She nodded. "Okay."

Skulduggery sprawled down next to her on his back with a grunt.

She snorted. "Ever the elegant one, Skul."

He waved his hand non-committally. "My razor-sharp wit is more than enough to make-up for it."

"Ego," she muttered, smiling down at him.

He looked a little lonely down there.

Flicking his skull lightly, she lay down across him so that they were at a ninety degree angle, with her head on his chest.

Skulduggery didn't complain.

He shifted so that one arm was behind his head, and with the other he pointed.

"See that, Valkyrie? That is the constellation called _Orion. _See," he made stroking motions in the air, "there's his belt and his spear."

Skulduggery went on in that smooth velvet voice of his, whilst Valkyrie soaked it all in and smiled.

She had decided that she loved being here already, moreover, she had decided that she loved being here with _Skulduggery _and his velvet voice.

'Stars,' she thought wistfully.

* * *

Skulduggery Pleasant stopped talking; his partner had long-since fallen asleep.

His eye sockets stayed on the stars above for a little longer before seeming to be dragged back to the sleeping form of Valkyrie Cain.

He sighed, and his leather gloves found themselves tangled in her hair. If he had lips, he probably would've been smiling ruefully. "What are we going to do, eh, the two of us?"

Silence answered him.

He leaned his head back on the grass and stared up at the stars once more.

* * *

**AN: Reviews really are welcome. :)**


	5. Coconuts

**Disclaimer: Still not mine.**

**Did I mention this was set in an alternate universe where Last Stand of Dead Men and Dying of the Light never happened? And the threat of Darquesse was somehow mysteriously avoided? And Erskine Ravel is NOT a traitor? No? Well, there you are. I just love the Dead Men way too much for that, even bloody Ravel.**

* * *

**Coconuts**

A finger was poking Valkyrie's cheek whilst she was trying to sleep.

She grunted and rolled over.

The finger poked her again.

She half-opened one eye. Thinking it was Skulduggery, she mumbled, "Have you ever thought about how dirty the phrase '_I've got a skeleton inside me' _sounds?"

"Oh yes," a voice that definitely wasn't Skulduggery's drawled, "many, many times."

Valkyrie jerked up with a yelp.

Dexter Vex's grinning face loomed over her.

She took a moment to assess the situation, then scowled.

She lay back down on Skulduggery's chest and muttered, "Brain, I know Dexter's body is hot and absolutely drool-worthy and stuff, but why the heck am I dreaming about him? Answer me, Brain!"

Dream-Dexter was probably chuffed.

"Hey! She about forgot me!" The voice sounded indignant.

Valkyrie opened her eyes again.

Erskine Ravel was peering over Dexter's shoulder down at her.

"And Erskine's pretty face," she muttered.

Dream-Erskine grinned.

Valkyrie reached out for her plate of sandwiches, patting the ground. She sat up suddenly. "WHERE ARE MY SANDWICHES?," she roared.

Dexter flinched and grinned sheepishly. "They were yours?" He held a half-eaten sandwich out to her.

Valkyrie glared. "For your sake, Dexter, you better hope I'm dreaming."

Dexter shrugged and ate the rest.

Valkyrie glared at the place where her sandwiches should've been. She vaguely wondered why the plate hadn't burned to a crisp from the friction that her eyes made.

She sagged suddenly. "This isn't a dream, is it?" She covered her face with her hands.

Erskine smirked and leaned against Dexter's shoulder. "Sorry, darling. Your really did tell Dex that he had a hot body and was, as you put it, 'absolutely drool-worthy and stuff', and that I'm pretty. Look at how chuffed Dexter is."

Dexter was grinning like a fool.

Valkyrie groaned.

"Dexter," Erskine started casually, "don't you think Valduggery is cute? I do, and you have my word as a man that I won't tell Skulduggery anything that passes between us. They were asleep on each other and everything!"

Dexter nodded wisely. "If I were any lesser a man, squealing at the sheer cuteness of Valduggery would be absolutely necessary."

Valkyrie removed her hands and glared. "Go and get a room, Tweedledum and Tweedledee." She flapped her hands about in the air, then perked up suddenly. "I mean, four-hundred years is a long time to be straight, right? There's absolutely nothing wrong with being gay, in fact, I've always wanted a gay best friend." She looked at them. "You guys can be my new gay best friends!"

Both men raised impressive eyebrows at her.

They turned to face each other.

Erskine smirked, opening his arms. "Come here, darling dearest. I know how much you love hugs, especially my hugs."

Dexter mirrored his smirk and opened his arms.

They embraced in a very- _ahem_\- manly way- lots of patting of backs.

Valkyrie snorted at the display.

"Would this be a good time," Dexter said, his voice muffled in Erskine's shoulder, "to tell you I'm already seeing someone else?"

Erskine gasped and shoved Dexter away in mock horror. "Traitor! Who is this other man?"

Valkyrie smirked. "Saracen, who else?"

"Sexter forever!" Erskine pumped his fist in the air.

Dexter sighed. "I don't suppose me telling you that I'm not into Saracen will do anything?"

"Sexter will always triumph!" Valkyrie hollered.

She and Erskine looked at one another, and as one they burst out singing, "Saracen and Dexter sitting in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G. First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes baby in a baby carriage!"

They fell over laughing at a bemused Dexter.

Erskine reached over through his laughing fit and Valkyrie high-fived him, snickering.

"Speaking of the man, where is dear Saracen?"

Dexter smirked. "The poor masochist's off to woo a pretty lady, quote unquote _'I just know she'll fall for me eventually and I know things.'"_

"Poor, poor Dexiboi."

Dexter pouted.

"Anyway, what would your baby Sexter's be called?"

He rolled his eyes and didn't answer.

"Because really," Valkyrie continued, "I think at least one should be called Valkyrie junior, it's a sexy name."

Dexter face-palmed.

Erskine rolled to his feet, chuckling. He peered down at Skulduggery's unmoving form and his golden eyes took on an evil glint.

"Say," he drawled, "that I wanted to play a small prank on our dear friend Skully," he looked at them, "would you join me?"

Valkyrie and Dexter looked at each other, slow smirks stretching across their faces.

"With what?" Valkyrie asked.

"With this." Erskine pulled a coconut out of seemingly nowhere, and held it like it was holy or something.

She looked over at Dexter, baffled.

Dexter grinned. "He's been doing unholy things with that coconut- I wouldn't touch it."

Erskine hugged the coconut to his chest and pouted.

Valkyrie looked between them and frowned. "You know what? I don't think I really want to know."

Dexter nodded wisely. "That is a good idea, young Valkyrie, a good, good idea."

Erskine pouted more.

* * *

**AN: I don't wanna go back to school! :( **


	6. Devious Devilry

**Devious Devilry**

Valkyrie ambled over to Dexter, who was by the boot of his Land Rover.

Erskine had sodded off somewhere, something about an important call or whatnot.

Dexter seemed in the midst of pulling out a- was that a barbecue set?

Valkyrie's brow furrowed. "Dexter?"

"Yes?"

"Why do you have a barbecue set on you?"

Dexter raised his eyebrow. "You know I love you, right, Val?"

"Yes," she replied, wondering where this was going.

"Right." Dexter nodded. "I love you, but not enough to drive to a field in the middle of nowhere because some mortal with a broken kneecap phoned up about a skeleton and a girl _flying, _and all of this on an empty stomach."

"You took my sandwiches," she pointed out.

Dexter grunted, it sounded suspiciously like the word "Food."

"So what you're saying is food comes first?" Valkyrie sounded amused.

"'Tis first and foremost in my heart." He put his hand to his chest theatrically.

"Boy, does Saracen have competition."

Dexter studiously ignored her.

Snippets of Erskine's conversation could be heard. "-and bring Anton with you." He hung up just as he reached them.

He smiled at Valkyrie and suddenly clapped his hands together with a resounding _smack._

Dexter jumped then glared at Erskine.

The man was rubbing his hands together like the villain of a particularly cheesy movie. He looked like a man with a devious plan, furthermore, a man with a devious plan prepared for devilry to ensue.

"Dex, pass me the rope."

Dexter reached into the boot and chucked him a coil, which he plucked out of the air effortlessly.

Erskine turned to Valkyrie and proffered his arm with a flourish. "Come along, Vally-kins. You're going to enjoy this." He winked.

Valkyrie scowled at the ridiculous name, but took his arm anyway.

They both peered down at Skulduggery.

Erskine passed her the rope. "You get his ankles."

"What are you going to do?"

He pulled a pair of magic-binding handcuffs out of his back-pocket.

Valkyrie grinned.

She tied Skulduggery's ankles tight and looked over at Erskine.

He smiled at her, showing blindingly white teeth. "Come on," he got his hands under Skulduggery's armpits. "I've got his arms, you get his ankles. One, two, three- HEAVE."

* * *

The first thing Anton Shudder noticed when he stepped out of Ghastly Bespoke's van was Dexter setting up a barbecue. The second thing he noticed was Valkyrie and Erskine dangling an unmoving Skulduggery by his feet from a tree. They had chucked a coil of rope across a branch and were yanking Skulduggery up.

Anton frowned. He turned to Ghastly. "You didn't mention there was piñata."

"Would you have brought your special hitting-Skulduggery bat with you if I had?" Ghastly asked dryly.

Anton looked straight ahead. "Very possible."

"You've never been the same since it happened," Ghastly said, shaking his head, "but hitting Skulduggery over the head repeatedly with a bat is not the best way to deal it."

They crossed over to Dexter, who grinned his signature grin at them.

He pulled Anton into a very manly hug with lots of back patting.

Anton recoiled, pushing him away. "Dexter, my friend, you of all people should know better." He frowned.

Dexter shrugged and grinned. He opened his arms to Ghastly.

Ghastly shook his head. "I'd rather not."

Dexter dropped his arms. "I understand." He stuck out his hand. "Handshake?"

"I'm not really comfortable with that either."

"Oh."

Suddenly they both grinned and clasped each other's hand.

"Com'ere big boy." Dexter pulled yet another victim into a _very_ manly hug.

Anton raised an eyebrow.

"Oi, Anton! Get your skinny ass down here!" It was Erskine, _of course._

Anton rolled his eyes.

* * *

"I must say, this is a good plan."

Erskine grinned. "We know. I mean, we've got a rope, cuffs, a coconut with a hat, everything."

Anton just looked at him. "You forgot one thing."

"Oh?"

Anton smiled a distinctly predatory smile. "A dog," was all he said.

Evil grins broke out on Valkyrie and Erskine's faces.

Ghastly looked bemusedly on from the sideline.


	7. Blue Murder

**Wow... Soo.. Those mocks... Yeah... I've got real ones in a few weeks! .**

**Anyway, moving on, this is the last chapter of Midnight Stargazing. Thank you to everyone who read until the end! I really appreciate it! A big thank you to those who reviewed and/or followed - it was lovely, positively made my day!**

**So, on with the story...**

* * *

**Blue Murder**

When Skulduggery Pleasant woke up, the first thing he noticed was that the world was upside-down, literally. The sky was the ground and the ground was the sky.

This is probably where he should've started getting suspicious.

The second thing he noticed was the coconut.

_What the...?_

The coconut was stuck to a pike in the ground. It had a scribbled Sharpie face on it; it looked like one of Erskine's doodles.

Skulduggery's hypothetical lips should've been hypothetically frowning.

_Was that...? _Yes. It was his _hat, _his God forsaken hat! What the heck was it doing on a bloomin' coconut?

His skeletal arms reached out to reclaim his hat, that's when he heard the growl.

This, dear readers, is when he noticed the third thing: the dog.

Skulduggery tilted his head.

The dog, a German shepherd, growled.

"Easy boy," he said nervously.

This is when his hypothetical body started to hypothetically sweat.

The dog growled again, deep in its throat. Suddenly it barked, it barked so loud that Skulduggery had to cover his ear-well-holes. This small movement, of course, only enraged the beast.

It started jumping at the skeleton, trying to bite and chew the jaw, the spinal column, _somewhere._

Skulduggery yelled out.

* * *

"Do you think we should help him?" Saracen Rue stage-whispered.

He had come in half-way through the barbecue mumbling something about a woman pummelling him with a handbag.

Dexter flapped his hands at him. "Shhh! Shut up and enjoy the show, Rue."

Valkyrie and Erskine made eyes at him.

"I'm certainly enjoying the show. Erskine, what about you?"

"Why, my dear Valkyrie, I think we've booked magnificent front-row seats. The plot is unfolding beautifully."

Dexter scowled. "Shut up, the both of you."

He passed the popcorn on to Ghastly.

* * *

"ARGH! Get off me you mutt! Do you know how much I dislike your species? Do you? No, stay away from my skull! I said stay away!"

Skulduggery clicked his fingers. No sparks.

He clicked them again.

Still no sparks.

Where the heck was his magic?

"Damn it, magic-binding cuffs."

His frame visibly drooped.

The German shepherd tried to bite his head; it got saliva all over his skull.

Suddenly Skulduggery glimpsed a flash of black hair.

"Valkyrie?"

He lifted his skull. There they were, Valkyrie with the rest of the Dead Men in tow.

His posture, well upside-down hanging posture, picked up again.

The dog growled and renewed its vicious attack.

"Anton, Ghastly, Dexter! Help!" he screamed.

The dog barked and gnawed at him.

"Erskine, Saracen, _please."_

The dog growled.

"I said _please, _I never say please. Help _please! _Valkyrie, Valkyrie! Murder! Jesus, help! Mother of- ARGH!"

Valkyrie, Erskine, Dexter and Saracen had all fallen to the floor at some point and were now clutching their stomachs laughing.

Valkyrie laughed so hard she was mildly purple, no sound made it past her lips.

Even Ghastly and Anton clutched at each other trying to stay upright through the violent shakings of their diaphragms.

"Jesus! Somebody! Help, there's a bloomin' murder being committed here! Goddammit, you can drive my Bentley! I'll give you the keys, I've got them on me! I promise- ARGH!"

The Dead Men excluding Skulduggery, naturally, had all cracked up on the floor. Most of them laughed so hard that they cried.

Anton had gone red.

Ghastly had turned blue.

Saracen had squirted orange juice out of his nose.

Skulduggery kept yelling and screaming blue murder.

He wished a pox upon all their houses and every other profanity he could think of- he was Irish, it was a lot-, but that wasn't the best part.

The best part was that they had filmed the whole thing, and tomorrow it was going up on the Global Link.

* * *

**AN: Thank you, readers!**

**Also, I did not mean any offence with the "he was Irish" comment, so I'm sorry if I offended anyone.**

**Well... This is the end (not really, I'm working on something else). Goodbye, and thank you again!**


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